The 3-question filter: how to answer without regretting it later

Almost every regret after a conversation starts the same way: we answer too fast.

It isn't a lack of faith or love. In the heat of the moment, emotion arrives before judgment. And what comes out isn't always what we meant to say.

"Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." (James 1:19, KJV)

James doesn't ask us to stop feeling. He asks us to take a little longer to speak.

The filter

Module 4 of the Mulher Sábia course has an exercise that fits any conversation. Before answering something difficult — to your husband, your boss, your mother, a child — run the answer through three questions:

• Is it true?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it kind?

If the answer doesn't pass all three, it isn't ready yet.

The 30-second pause

When emotion is too high to think about questions, use the pause: stop, breathe, pray, act. Thirty seconds is enough for the first wave to pass.

It isn't running from the conversation. It's coming back to it whole.

What to do when you already spoke

It will happen. The filter isn't about never failing again; it's about failing less and repairing faster. When you notice your answer didn't pass the three questions, go back and say: "I answered on impulse; can I try again?"

That sentence is wisdom too.

One practice for today

Choose the hardest conversation you'll have this week. Before it, write what you want to say and run it through the filter. Take only what survived the three questions.

To keep going

The filter is one of the six tools in Mulher Sábia. The lesson on Proverbs 31 is free (in Portuguese) and comes with the Emotional Map to print.

Get the free lesson and the resource →

Giovana